Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
