I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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