so that wasnt chicken after all
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
