Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
