Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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