im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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