i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize