Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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