if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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