one word: firstdatebathroomanal
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
