we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
