I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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