You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize