Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
