at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
