My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
