I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
