Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
did i just pee glitter
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize