did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
