a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
