i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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