WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
