I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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