Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
