i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Can you bring me the toilet please
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize