We're like a lot better than the average bears
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
