fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So much rum. So many feels.
Randomize
