He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
