just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize