he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
