The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
