Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
