I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
