Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
