Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
