I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think I just sharted jello shots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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