i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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