I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
