we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
