The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
