the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
