So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
