respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
