apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
