i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
