It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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