marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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