So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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