Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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