Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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