i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
