you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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