It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
