In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
