Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
