A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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