Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
