if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
