I will die if light touches me.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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