NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
