On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
