we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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