1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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