I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
